Ugh! Here we go again! #mysecondhome #neverfeargetasmear (at Dr. Whitaker, MD)
My biggest battle is trying to get everything I want accomplished and I lose most of the time. Every decision I make now is based on if my body can handle it. I would love to go back to school, have children, pioneer, etc- but I’m being held back. For my close companions who know everything I’ve been through, I am not one to be held back- so this has certainly been a challenge for me. I would love to go out more, but it takes all I have to handle my responsibilities. I get upset when I am with friends and I feel so exhausted that I simply can’t speak and leave early. I know I’m not as fun or entertaining as I used to be. I bore myself frequently. And I have many health conscious friends- you are inspiring and encouraging- but please don’t push your philosophies one me or judge me as lazy or undisciplined because I am not working out as much as you or eating what you eat. I’m doing the best I can.
At age 21 I was diagnosed with Epstein Barr and was told I had a fatty liver. My liver enzymes have been normal for years now.
At age 15, 18, and 21, I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cysts that eventually ruptured and went away with no problems
I took Yasmin for birth control from 2005 to 2008. I gain 40lbs, my blood pressure spiked, and I had no libido, so I got off birth control.
In 2010, I was hospitalized for having a teratoma on my right ovary. I ended up having the tumor that was the size of a baseball removed, along with my right ovary and Fallopian tube. A few months later, I was diagnosed with low grade cervical dysplasia and had a biopsy.
In April 2012, we became pregnant with our first baby. I had my first prenatal appt at 6weeks but there was no fetal pole. I had another ultrasound at week 7 and still no fetal pole. My doctor diagnosed me with a blighted ovum and said I should be okay to naturally miscarriage. I didn’t miscarry until July 3rd when I was hospitalized. My doctor still refused to do a D&C and I miscarried a sac that was the size of a cantaloupe. I kept calling my doctor because I continued having contractions afterwards. He kept saying that I was having heavy periods. In August, I finished the miscarriage and expelled tissue the shape of a baby that was the side of a half dollar and was attached to a cord I had to pull out. I decided to see another doctor for a second opinion since my doctor refused to do another ultrasound. Fortunately, they said my uterus was clear. They did say that my uterus was severely retro flexed and I had a cyst on my left ovary. I went back to my regular doctor. He was concerned about my uterus and did do an ultrasound. He said my cyst was gone.
I switched doctors hoping to find someone willing to help me get pregnant. My new doctor started me on Clomid December 2013. I didn’t ovulate until I reached 200mg. I ovulated twice but didn’t conceive. I started having intense cramps and my doctor did an ultrasound. I had a golfball size cyst on my ovary so he wanted me to stop the Clomid. He will recheck me in October and do another Pap smear to make sure my dysplasia is stable.
I’ve always had normal periods. We are finally trying to have a baby again. A week ago I started having pregnancy symptoms. On Sunday I started jogging and felt an intense pain in my lower abdomen. I was due for my period 3/4/13. When I didn’t get it, I was really excited and bought a pregnancy test. Then on the 3/5/13, before I took the test, I started bleeding. I just assumed it was my period. On 3/6/13 the cramping was very intense but not debilitating. On 3/7/13, I felt an urge to push and went to the restroom. I felt the same sensation I had when I miscarriage and a clot came out of me the size of a muscadine. A few hours later, I completely stopped bleeding.
I might be crazy, but I think I had a chemical pregnancy. I don’t know what to do. We desperately want a family, but I don’t think I mentally handle another miscarriage. I work as a mental health counselor for the department of children &families. It’s so upsetting to constantly see children being removed due to neglect and abuse, and to know we can’t have children. I want to know what to do to prevent another miscarriage. I’ve been taking a prenatal vitamin with DHA for over a year. I have an appointment with a new doctor next week. I don’t mean to be high maintenance. I’m just worried that since I only have one ovary, I’m running out of time to have a healthy baby.
I’m a family counselor that works with the Department of Children and Families. The good news is I got a promotion. The bad news is I’m working with families from ages 0-5. My boss said, ” I hope you like babies.” Plus, I’m on my period. It feels like a sick joke.
I never considered myself a survivor. I felt I did not “earn” that title. My ovarian tumor was encapsulated so there was no cancer attached to my body ( just inside the tumor) and my cervical cells have stayed in the precancerous range for three years. In the past three years, I’ve had several surgeries, biopsies, and tests. I’ve had one miscarriage and difficulty getting pregnant since. I’ve been put on hormones. I’m only 32. I’ve felt scared, confused, and anxious. Then I joined these groups. I realized I wasn’t alone. I also realized I wasn’t just sick with weird illnesses, but that I have had cancer knocking on the door twice. My mind and body have taken a beating, but stood ground. So, I’m proud to say I survived all of that and will continue surviving.
It’s been two years since my scare with ovarian cancer.
half of my fertility
a sense of control
a belly pooch
another cancer scare just a few months later.
Our first and so far, only baby a year later.
feeling worthless and overwhelmed.
a daily battle over labeling myself an infertile, emotional, unattractive wreck.
I know my poor husband thought I was insane when I broke down in Old Navy about some jeans not fitting a few days ago. It just all came over me. Two years later and I’m still trying to overcome all the negative thoughts and fears. Two years later and I’m still not where I want to be spiritually. Two years later and I still feel like I have no control. Staring in the dressing room mirror and feeling all that anguish come over me, I got angry. I’m fed up with beating myself up and thinking so poorly of myself and my body. I took a huge blow, but it didn’t knock me out. I decided to make a new list.
Two years later I :
Married the absolute love of my life and and had a beautiful wedding.
took several dance and tennis classes to prove my body is still capable
completed my prerequisites for nursing school (should I ever want to go).
posed for pin up photos and looked like a babe.
got a promotion.
won an award.
graduated with my master’s degree.
had my artwork displayed in two exhibits.
organized a charity event for a non profit and participated in several others.
ran five 5Ks.
fostered dogs and volunteered at shelters.
Used my experience to help others
Have made wonderful friends and connected with family.
have experienced a tremendous amount of love, friendship, support, and encouragement.
Love in its truest form
My best friend, my partner, my husband
A fulfilling job
No, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m going to get there. I’ve done a lot in two years, and I have a fierce army behind me every step of the way.
A full year of: waking up to morning breath and messy hair
Morning cuddles despite breath or hair
Hugs, kisses, and I love yous as we part ways
Making hot tea just the way we like it
Rushing to leave work, just to spend time at home by each others side
Enjoying dialogue on the patio
Sipping wine and listening to birds chirping
Swaying in hammocks
Maintaining an herb garden so we can pretend that we are Foodies
Impersonating Gordon Ramsey
Seeing a plastic bag drift through the air and saying, “it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen”
Impromptu dance parties with or without music
Long hot baths and showers
Having wonderful friends
Opening up our home to our loved ones
Cuddling the dogs
Feeding the dogs
Catering to the dogs every whim.
Putting everything in its place
Dressing up and compliments
Taking breath away and rocking worlds.
Unconditional love and support through good and bad.
Watching you falling asleep
Falling asleep next to you